What kind of fools would think tracksuits can fix Britain? Oh yes, the Government
The idea that sportswear in schools will save the nation shows Whitehall is more detached from reality than ever
I wish I could have been there, in the conference room, when some bright spark from the Commons culture, media and sport committee decided that tracksuits were the answer. That if only pupils were allowed to wear tracksuits in the classroom – with trainers, no less – there would be no limit to their personal and professional successes. That as the nation lags behind its European neighbours in both activity levels and investment in sport (but far exceeds them in obesity stats), the future of our fat and slothful land can still be saved, thanks to the noble tracksuit.
I’m curious to know what that eureka moment looked like. Because having read the new report – titled Game On and designed to “get the nation moving more” – I can’t help but picture its creators as 11 aliens who have just touched down at the Palace of Westminster and have never been to school, met a child nor worn a tracksuit.
Was there, I wonder, a slap of the forehead and a yelp of “Wait! I’ve got it!” as the thought was birthed by one MP on his or her third cup of Kenco? And what was the reaction to this stroke of genius? I’m imagining eyes flying open, then nods, slow grins and awestruck murmurings of: “Tracksuits!” “Of course – tracksuits!”
Certainly, the report has high hopes for the largely synthetic two-piece garment, which has long ceased to be associated with any kind of physical fitness, and is now either synonymous with bed-rotting, binge-eating and dole queues – or the Kardashians running errands in Beverly Hills. Not that the committee of ETs would know this, being new to the planet and all. No, it maintains that, if worn instead of a uniform throughout the school day, a tracksuit would single-handedly “help reduce barriers to activity, lower costs for families and increase participation, particularly among girls”.
The tracksuit’s divine powers do not stop there. If the Government were to take up the report’s recommendations, and “issue guidance making clear that schools are expected to adopt PE kit and uniform policies that prioritise comfort, inclusivity and dignity”, pupils with “protected characteristics” (such as girls and gender-questioning children) would be much less likely to find exercising “embarrassing” or “stressful”, it insists. And as much as I enjoy the notion of having “protected characteristics” – which always makes me feel like a splendid historical building that’s sadly incompatible with modern life – I’m not sure that fragilising half the youthful population is in anyone’s best interest.
Also: a note on “comfort”, which crops up again and again in the report. It’s not clear where these MPs are from (although I note that seven out of the 11 are Labour), but here on Earth, “comfort” is the antonym of activity, of exercise – the enemy of achievement.
Do you think I’m sitting comfortably as I write this column? Hell no. My jeans are too tight, so is my ponytail, and I’m wearing proper shoes. I wouldn’t consider sitting at my desk in tracksuit bottoms any more than I’d consider working in novelty pyjamas or a waffle dressing gown. Why? Because comfort leeches away motivation, makes you soft. Because once you start wearing oversized garments with fleece interiors and elasticated waistbands you might as well hold up a giant sign: “RIP Ambition”. And does Britain really need anything to hasten ambition’s demise right now? To facilitate the great level-down?
I wish I could tell you that despite the tracksuit tangent, there were plenty of valuable insights to be found in the Game On report, but the whole thing seemed to be an exercise in big-issue avoidance – in weird, misguided triviality.
Other sure-fire ways to boost the nation’s fitness, it says, would be backing cheerleading – possibly the least “on message” sport in existence – and ridding the country of those pesky “no ball games” signs you see in parks and recreation areas.
Because those signs are the real problem that could very well spell the nation’s downfall, aren’t they? Not the phones that one in five British children spend at least seven hours a day on (with some teenagers glued to them for 12-16 hours a day). The phones the Government refuses to regulate in schools and the social media it refuses to ban for under-16s.
So let’s look to the future. A future without signs, but filled with Brits in tracksuits, getting ever larger, doing ever less (and all of it from home, you understand), whilst claiming ever more benefits. OK, so maybe we will need those cheerleaders after all.
[Source: Daily Telegraph]
